11.18.08

Dear Friend,

When I am sad-which seems to be often these days-I try to think of a time when I felt great. I think about this summer’s camping trip. We rode four wheelers and jumped waterfalls. At night we built a campfire and cooked burgers. D and Josh played the drums while Katie and I danced around the fire. Dad and Kris just sat and laughed because they were so high. I remember how D tried to cook a piece of turkey on a sick and ended up catching the whole thing on fire. I remember how Kris kept talking about UFO's till she laughed so hard that she snorted. I remember my dad hugging me next to the river and telling me that he was proud of me. I think what made the whole experience so amazing was the fact that for three days no one fought. No one cried or yelled. All we did was laugh. It’s times like these that I try to remember when times are tough. It’s hard and I don’t always do it, but at least I have memories like this at all.

It's funny that D and I can have such a good time together. We were never really close. We constantly drove our parents crazy with our bickering. I believe that it was his job to drive me crazy. One time he took all of my underwear, got them wet, and put them in the freezer. I got out of the shower and went to get dressed only to find a solid ice cube of panties in my drawer. I beat the shit out of him for this, but that was before he got bigger than me. My parents would always say, “one day you two will be best friends.” I never believed them. But one day it happened. Mom picked us up from school and drove us to dad’s house. He was crying which dad never does. He said, “kids, Popi is dead”. It all changed after that. I don’t think we ever really thought about death before. It never occurred to us that someday people that we loved would not be here. My brother is one of my best friends and I wish we didn't live so far apart. I am so thankful that he is a part of my life. I would do anything for him and I know he’d do the same for me. No one else knows me like D does. I know that he will love me no matter what. He knows the real me. I never have to pretend to be something I’m not with him. I've been pretending for a while.

When my parents were going through their divorce, I experimented with dating. This sounds funny when I write it down, but it’s true. I was never the class beauty who everyone dreamed of going out with, but over the summer I became comfortable with myself. I was confident and outgoing and guys started to notice me. So I started dating. It was a terrible mess. I had dates with Tyler, but I really liked Nick. I dated Kevin, but I really wanted to go out with Jon. And then I dated Jon, but we broke up before college. I became addicted to the attention. I could not be happy with just one guy. I was constantly looking for something new, something exciting. This doesn’t mean that I was a giant whore, sleeping with any guy that would glance in my direction, it was nothing like that. Most guys couldn’t even hold my attention long enough to get a second date let alone get me to sleep with them. I just needed the rush of a new relationship. I need to feel loved. It doesn’t take Freud to figure out why I was acting like I did. My parents were relationship Kryptonite and I was acting out against their failed marriage. I think it is something I will always struggle with. Feeling like no one will ever be good enough. I’m really going to have to work to allow myself to be happy with one person. At least I’m aware of how damaged I am, so hopefully I can fix it before it’s too late. Wish me luck.

XOXO
Avery