Dear Friend,
When I am sad-which seems to be often these days-I try to think of a time when I felt great. I think about this summer’s camping trip. We rode four wheelers and jumped waterfalls. At night we built a campfire and cooked burgers. D and Josh played the drums while Katie and I danced around the fire. Dad and Kris just sat and laughed because they were so high. I remember how D tried to cook a piece of turkey on a sick and ended up catching the whole thing on fire. I remember how Kris kept talking about UFO's till she laughed so hard that she snorted. I remember my dad hugging me next to the river and telling me that he was proud of me. I think what made the whole experience so amazing was the fact that for three days no one fought. No one cried or yelled. All we did was laugh. It’s times like these that I try to remember when times are tough. It’s hard and I don’t always do it, but at least I have memories like this at all.
It's funny that D and I can have such a good time together. We were never really close. We constantly drove our parents crazy with our bickering. I believe that it was his job to drive me crazy. One time he took all of my underwear, got them wet, and put them in the freezer. I got out of the shower and went to get dressed only to find a solid ice cube of panties in my drawer. I beat the shit out of him for this, but that was before he got bigger than me. My parents would always say, “one day you two will be best friends.” I never believed them. But one day it happened. Mom picked us up from school and drove us to dad’s house. He was crying which dad never does. He said, “kids, Popi is dead”. It all changed after that. I don’t think we ever really thought about death before. It never occurred to us that someday people that we loved would not be here. My brother is one of my best friends and I wish we didn't live so far apart. I am so thankful that he is a part of my life. I would do anything for him and I know he’d do the same for me. No one else knows me like D does. I know that he will love me no matter what. He knows the real me. I never have to pretend to be something I’m not with him. I've been pretending for a while.
When my parents were going through their divorce, I experimented with dating. This sounds funny when I write it down, but it’s true. I was never the class beauty who everyone dreamed of going out with, but over the summer I became comfortable with myself. I was confident and outgoing and guys started to notice me. So I started dating. It was a terrible mess. I had dates with Tyler, but I really liked Nick. I dated Kevin, but I really wanted to go out with Jon. And then I dated Jon, but we broke up before college. I became addicted to the attention. I could not be happy with just one guy. I was constantly looking for something new, something exciting. This doesn’t mean that I was a giant whore, sleeping with any guy that would glance in my direction, it was nothing like that. Most guys couldn’t even hold my attention long enough to get a second date let alone get me to sleep with them. I just needed the rush of a new relationship. I need to feel loved. It doesn’t take Freud to figure out why I was acting like I did. My parents were relationship Kryptonite and I was acting out against their failed marriage. I think it is something I will always struggle with. Feeling like no one will ever be good enough. I’m really going to have to work to allow myself to be happy with one person. At least I’m aware of how damaged I am, so hopefully I can fix it before it’s too late. Wish me luck.
XOXO
Avery
11.18.2008
11.06.2008
11.6.08
Dear Friend,
I made you a CD. It is a mix of all the songs we have listened to riding in the car. It seems to me that the car is where we have spent a majority of our time as weird as that sounds. I hope it reminds you of me and of all the good times we have shared. There is a song for every month we were together. Each song represents a stage in our relationship and I think you will be very amused by some of my choices. Blue and Yellow is on the CD twice because it was our favorite and “I’d rather waste my time with you”!!!!
Riding in Cars
1. Blue and Yellow The Used
2. Basket Case Green Day
3. Don’t Stop Believin’ Journey
4. Rhiannon Fleetwood Mac
5. The Kids Aren’t Alright The Offspring
6. Take it to the Limit The Eagles
7. Stairway to Heaven Led Zeppelin
8. Kate is Great The Bouncing Souls
9. Money Pink Floyd
10. Tiny Dancer Elton John
11. Layla (acoustic) Eric Clapton
12. American Girl Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
13. Going Away to College Blink 182
14. Best of Me The Starting Line
15. Like a Prayer Rufio
16. Make Your Move Hieroglyphics
17. Maggie Mary Rod Stewart
18. I’ll Always Be Right There (unplugged) Bryan Adams
19. Juke Box Hero Foreigner
20. Scar Tissue The Red Hot Chili Peppers
21. Savior Jedi Mind Tricks
22. AYO for Yayo Andre Nickatina
23. What I Got Sublime
24. Blue and Yellow The Used
Describing my family is never easy. This is my family in the simplest of terms:
1. Aunt Niki is queen of her own universe.
2. My brother is everyone’s friend and no ones enemy.
3. My dad is 50 going on 17.
4. My mom can love you till it hurts.
5. My step-father is disturbingly manipulative.
I made you a CD. It is a mix of all the songs we have listened to riding in the car. It seems to me that the car is where we have spent a majority of our time as weird as that sounds. I hope it reminds you of me and of all the good times we have shared. There is a song for every month we were together. Each song represents a stage in our relationship and I think you will be very amused by some of my choices. Blue and Yellow is on the CD twice because it was our favorite and “I’d rather waste my time with you”!!!!
Riding in Cars
1. Blue and Yellow The Used
2. Basket Case Green Day
3. Don’t Stop Believin’ Journey
4. Rhiannon Fleetwood Mac
5. The Kids Aren’t Alright The Offspring
6. Take it to the Limit The Eagles
7. Stairway to Heaven Led Zeppelin
8. Kate is Great The Bouncing Souls
9. Money Pink Floyd
10. Tiny Dancer Elton John
11. Layla (acoustic) Eric Clapton
12. American Girl Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
13. Going Away to College Blink 182
14. Best of Me The Starting Line
15. Like a Prayer Rufio
16. Make Your Move Hieroglyphics
17. Maggie Mary Rod Stewart
18. I’ll Always Be Right There (unplugged) Bryan Adams
19. Juke Box Hero Foreigner
20. Scar Tissue The Red Hot Chili Peppers
21. Savior Jedi Mind Tricks
22. AYO for Yayo Andre Nickatina
23. What I Got Sublime
24. Blue and Yellow The Used
Describing my family is never easy. This is my family in the simplest of terms:
1. Aunt Niki is queen of her own universe.
2. My brother is everyone’s friend and no ones enemy.
3. My dad is 50 going on 17.
4. My mom can love you till it hurts.
5. My step-father is disturbingly manipulative.
10.27.2008
10.27.08
Dear Friend,
I’ve thought about all that has happened just this year, and I can’t help but think I have a while until I live my glory days. I used to think high school would be the greatest time of my life. Football games and prom seemed like the most wonderful times. I realize now that there is so much more to be done: graduating from college, getting a job, traveling the world, and maybe someday settling down to have a family. How can a touchdown at a high school game or winning prom queen be it? I have already experienced so many wonderful times there is no way this can be my glory days. Things have definitely gotten more complicated, but the rewards are so much more fulfilling. Doing things for my self-knowing that my own hard work has paid off is so amazing I can’t wait to see what’s ahead. Maybe there is no such thing as “glory days”. Our whole life is something to be treasured and remembered. I think that high school or college stands out for most people because there aren’t as many responsibilities. We are young and free and there is nothing holding us back. As time goes on we loose that freedom, constrained by things like work and kids and time. I don’t want to look back on my life and feel like a few years were the best part. All of it should be great. I’m not sure if this is a realistic goal, but I guess in order for it to come true I have to work hard at enjoying every little detail.
Thanksgiving is coming soon and I can’t wait to see my family. I know in the last letter I complained a lot about my mom and my step-dad, but it was not always that bad. Back when it was just D, mom and I, the holidays were amazing. Mom would be at work for hours in the kitchen. She’d buzz around, freaking out about what needs to be done. The only way to get her to relax is to open a bottle of red wine. After a glass she starts to giggle and she tends to slow down. It’s always amazes me how no matter how much planning and organizing, we always forget to set the rolls out. We will all be stuffed with food and laughing about this or that when mom squeals, “Oh shit I forgot the rolls”! It is hilarious! She rushes to the fridge or the stove, which has probably been left on, to grab them but it’s always too late. We are too full or they are burned from being left in the oven for too long. She panics and wants to make another batch, but we force her to sit and have another glass of wine. Now that she and Bruce are separated I hope things will go back to the way they were. All I want is for the three of us to be together again.
Have I ever told you how beautiful my mom is? It would be impossible to describe, but I’ll try. She has amazing green eyes and the most gentle features. The laugh lines around her mouth are deep because she smiles all the time. I can’t tell you how much I love all her little wrinkles and freckles. They make me happy knowing that I have been there when most of them have been created. There are the freckles from all the times we spent Sunday at the lake. There is a wrinkle above her nose that she got from yelling at me to pick up my room every Friday night. She doesn’t try to hide her age and I love that about her. She is part of me and I can see that every time I look at her.
XOXO Avery
I’ve thought about all that has happened just this year, and I can’t help but think I have a while until I live my glory days. I used to think high school would be the greatest time of my life. Football games and prom seemed like the most wonderful times. I realize now that there is so much more to be done: graduating from college, getting a job, traveling the world, and maybe someday settling down to have a family. How can a touchdown at a high school game or winning prom queen be it? I have already experienced so many wonderful times there is no way this can be my glory days. Things have definitely gotten more complicated, but the rewards are so much more fulfilling. Doing things for my self-knowing that my own hard work has paid off is so amazing I can’t wait to see what’s ahead. Maybe there is no such thing as “glory days”. Our whole life is something to be treasured and remembered. I think that high school or college stands out for most people because there aren’t as many responsibilities. We are young and free and there is nothing holding us back. As time goes on we loose that freedom, constrained by things like work and kids and time. I don’t want to look back on my life and feel like a few years were the best part. All of it should be great. I’m not sure if this is a realistic goal, but I guess in order for it to come true I have to work hard at enjoying every little detail.
Thanksgiving is coming soon and I can’t wait to see my family. I know in the last letter I complained a lot about my mom and my step-dad, but it was not always that bad. Back when it was just D, mom and I, the holidays were amazing. Mom would be at work for hours in the kitchen. She’d buzz around, freaking out about what needs to be done. The only way to get her to relax is to open a bottle of red wine. After a glass she starts to giggle and she tends to slow down. It’s always amazes me how no matter how much planning and organizing, we always forget to set the rolls out. We will all be stuffed with food and laughing about this or that when mom squeals, “Oh shit I forgot the rolls”! It is hilarious! She rushes to the fridge or the stove, which has probably been left on, to grab them but it’s always too late. We are too full or they are burned from being left in the oven for too long. She panics and wants to make another batch, but we force her to sit and have another glass of wine. Now that she and Bruce are separated I hope things will go back to the way they were. All I want is for the three of us to be together again.
Have I ever told you how beautiful my mom is? It would be impossible to describe, but I’ll try. She has amazing green eyes and the most gentle features. The laugh lines around her mouth are deep because she smiles all the time. I can’t tell you how much I love all her little wrinkles and freckles. They make me happy knowing that I have been there when most of them have been created. There are the freckles from all the times we spent Sunday at the lake. There is a wrinkle above her nose that she got from yelling at me to pick up my room every Friday night. She doesn’t try to hide her age and I love that about her. She is part of me and I can see that every time I look at her.
XOXO Avery
10.07.2008
In Case You Were Wondering...
In case you were wondering I just talked to Larry and he is alive and well! He gets to come home for Christmas -only 79 days to go!
10.7.08
Dear Friend,
Did I ever tell you my step-dad was arrested? I was home one day with Larry and Hannah just sitting on the couch watching some random movie when mom and Bruce started to fight. I can’t remember what about exactly- probably something to do with the kids. Those little brats were always doing something to start a fight: Katrina stole money and then lied about it, Mathew refuses to do his homework, Jacob is mouthing off again. All Bruce ever says is, “Maybe, Kathy, it’s because you don’t love them enough. If you hugged them more they wouldn’t act out like this”. Oh really Bruce? The reason they are being giant pains in the @$$ is because they aren’t loved enough? Maybe it’s because their father doesn’t discipline them. Maybe it’s because you let them do whatever the F*** they want and then yell at my mom when she tries to control them. She had the same rules for D and I; look how we turned out.
Anyway, they went upstairs to fight because they thought that I wouldn’t hear them-WRONG. This was no unusual event for them. They fought almost every day. I guess that’s what you get when you get married after knowing each other only four months. Larry knew I was upset because I was shaking and my eyes had started to water. He just hugged me, but I don’t like being touched when I’m mad. Suddenly the yelling had stopped and then…thud. I lost it! I ran up the stairs and burst into mom and Bruce’s room. There was Bruce standing over my mom. She was curled up on the floor, crying, and holding her face. “Get the F**** away from my mom!” and his attention was turned to me. His piercing green eyes were lit up with rage as he came at me. His right hand went to my neck and I was pinned to the wall. “Shut up you little b****! This is none of your business!” I pushed him away and ran out the door and down the street.
Mom didn’t call the cops. “He’s a good man, he was just upset”, she said. Yeah, he’s such a good Christian, husband. He even has a sticker on his car that says, “I Love My Wife”. I love my mom. She is my best friend and I would do anything to protect her. I’ve been doing it most of my life, but I’m tired of being the adult. I want to be the one who is taken care of.
When I left for college I was afraid of what would happen. There was no one there to make sure that mom was ok. D has always been afraid of Bruce so I couldn’t count on him to do anything. Two weeks into school I got a call. “Bruce is in jail. He did it again and threatened D.” Finally he got what he deserved! She won’t press charges, but at least he will be on probation for three years. Anything else happens and it’s prison for the born again Christian. I love and respect my mom in so many ways, but how can you just stand by while your husband hurts you and your kids? How can you love someone who hits you? Why didn’t she leave him or call the police sooner? All I know is that I will never be like her when it comes to relationships.
Tom called this weekend. I haven’t heard from him since our barbeque this summer. It was such an amazing time. Grant’s parents were gone for two weeks so we had the place to ourselves. We wanted to throw an end of the summer party before everyone left for school. Tom and I drove to the grocery store and bought a ton of steak and vegetables for shish kabobs. Grant and his sister bought rum, limes and mint for the mojitos we were attempting to make. They ended up being mostly sour, minty rum until someone told us that we needed to add sugar. They were much better after that. We spent hours preparing for the party. We were all cooking and cutting up food, laughing because we were tipsy from the alcohol.
Becca and Sam were the first ones to arrive. Sam brought his hookah so he could show everyone how to blow smoke rings. You have to inhale and hold your mouth in an O shape. With your tongue in the middle of your mouth you puff out little amounts of smoke. It’s pretty simple once you get the hang of it. Landon and Tyler showed up around the same time. Tyler was high as usual, and proceeded to inspect a walnut that had been left on the counter. Kaitlyn and Sarah brought a cheesecake they made from scratch. Let me tell you, cheesecake and mojitos are excellent together!
So there we were- ten friends on the back patio with shish kabobs, mojitos, cheesecake, a hookah and a walnut. In that moment I felt infinite. Just a couple of friends visiting one last time together before everything changed. Maybe its because we were all drunk, or maybe it’s because we were buzzed from the hookah, but in that moment I could just relax and be free. No one to protect, no one to worry about, just me and my friends. Nothing mattered but how full we were and how goofy Tyler was being. He paused for a moment and looked up. “I feel like I know everything there is to know about this walnut”, and I knew exactly what he meant.
They are all gone now. Tyler, Sam, Becca, Landon, Grant, Kaitlyn and Sarah. It’s just Tom and me. I think we’ll have a barbeque soon. I guess I’ll have to make new friends.
XOXO,
Avery
P.S- Sorry for the cursing!
Did I ever tell you my step-dad was arrested? I was home one day with Larry and Hannah just sitting on the couch watching some random movie when mom and Bruce started to fight. I can’t remember what about exactly- probably something to do with the kids. Those little brats were always doing something to start a fight: Katrina stole money and then lied about it, Mathew refuses to do his homework, Jacob is mouthing off again. All Bruce ever says is, “Maybe, Kathy, it’s because you don’t love them enough. If you hugged them more they wouldn’t act out like this”. Oh really Bruce? The reason they are being giant pains in the @$$ is because they aren’t loved enough? Maybe it’s because their father doesn’t discipline them. Maybe it’s because you let them do whatever the F*** they want and then yell at my mom when she tries to control them. She had the same rules for D and I; look how we turned out.
Anyway, they went upstairs to fight because they thought that I wouldn’t hear them-WRONG. This was no unusual event for them. They fought almost every day. I guess that’s what you get when you get married after knowing each other only four months. Larry knew I was upset because I was shaking and my eyes had started to water. He just hugged me, but I don’t like being touched when I’m mad. Suddenly the yelling had stopped and then…thud. I lost it! I ran up the stairs and burst into mom and Bruce’s room. There was Bruce standing over my mom. She was curled up on the floor, crying, and holding her face. “Get the F**** away from my mom!” and his attention was turned to me. His piercing green eyes were lit up with rage as he came at me. His right hand went to my neck and I was pinned to the wall. “Shut up you little b****! This is none of your business!” I pushed him away and ran out the door and down the street.
Mom didn’t call the cops. “He’s a good man, he was just upset”, she said. Yeah, he’s such a good Christian, husband. He even has a sticker on his car that says, “I Love My Wife”. I love my mom. She is my best friend and I would do anything to protect her. I’ve been doing it most of my life, but I’m tired of being the adult. I want to be the one who is taken care of.
When I left for college I was afraid of what would happen. There was no one there to make sure that mom was ok. D has always been afraid of Bruce so I couldn’t count on him to do anything. Two weeks into school I got a call. “Bruce is in jail. He did it again and threatened D.” Finally he got what he deserved! She won’t press charges, but at least he will be on probation for three years. Anything else happens and it’s prison for the born again Christian. I love and respect my mom in so many ways, but how can you just stand by while your husband hurts you and your kids? How can you love someone who hits you? Why didn’t she leave him or call the police sooner? All I know is that I will never be like her when it comes to relationships.
Tom called this weekend. I haven’t heard from him since our barbeque this summer. It was such an amazing time. Grant’s parents were gone for two weeks so we had the place to ourselves. We wanted to throw an end of the summer party before everyone left for school. Tom and I drove to the grocery store and bought a ton of steak and vegetables for shish kabobs. Grant and his sister bought rum, limes and mint for the mojitos we were attempting to make. They ended up being mostly sour, minty rum until someone told us that we needed to add sugar. They were much better after that. We spent hours preparing for the party. We were all cooking and cutting up food, laughing because we were tipsy from the alcohol.
Becca and Sam were the first ones to arrive. Sam brought his hookah so he could show everyone how to blow smoke rings. You have to inhale and hold your mouth in an O shape. With your tongue in the middle of your mouth you puff out little amounts of smoke. It’s pretty simple once you get the hang of it. Landon and Tyler showed up around the same time. Tyler was high as usual, and proceeded to inspect a walnut that had been left on the counter. Kaitlyn and Sarah brought a cheesecake they made from scratch. Let me tell you, cheesecake and mojitos are excellent together!
So there we were- ten friends on the back patio with shish kabobs, mojitos, cheesecake, a hookah and a walnut. In that moment I felt infinite. Just a couple of friends visiting one last time together before everything changed. Maybe its because we were all drunk, or maybe it’s because we were buzzed from the hookah, but in that moment I could just relax and be free. No one to protect, no one to worry about, just me and my friends. Nothing mattered but how full we were and how goofy Tyler was being. He paused for a moment and looked up. “I feel like I know everything there is to know about this walnut”, and I knew exactly what he meant.
They are all gone now. Tyler, Sam, Becca, Landon, Grant, Kaitlyn and Sarah. It’s just Tom and me. I think we’ll have a barbeque soon. I guess I’ll have to make new friends.
XOXO,
Avery
P.S- Sorry for the cursing!
9.16.2008
9.16.2008
Dear Friend,
I am writing to you because I miss Larry. He was shipped out to Afghanistan in June and I’m worried about him. I just need to know that he will be ok, and that he will come home safe. I think you of all people would understand that because your brother was shipped to Iraq two years ago. It’s hard to stop thinking about all the bad things that can happen to our friends and family in the war. There are so many dangerous situations they are put in and we have no control of anything. So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I’m scared.
Larry is my best friend. We have been inseparable since we met freshman year of high school in honors history class. We were both huge “nerds” according to the popular kids in class. I was a quiet, teacher’s pet who always sat by herself in the back of the class. On the first day of class Larry sat next to me. He was loud and obnoxious and always had an opinion about everything. He used all these fancy word that no one could understand and I liked that about him. I’m not sure why, but as soon as I we met I knew that we would be friends. I offered him a piece of gum ‘cause I couldn’t think of anything good to say. I asked him if he had ever seen Veggie Tales. It’s a religious carton with “inspirational” stories for kids. My step-dad made me watch them when I was little, because I “needed to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior”. Larry said no, and that organized religion is “bullshit”. I agreed with him, but I would never say that out loud. I told him how one of the main characters was a talking cucumber named Larry. He asked what talking vegetables have to do with God, and I had no clue, but it made both of us laugh. From then on I brought him a piece of gum and a picture of Larry the talking cucumber every day. I think he still has a stash of Larry pictures somewhere. I guess now that he is in the Marines I should draw a picture of Larry the cucumber in uniform standing in the desert with a gun and a camel spider and an American flag.
I haven’t herd from Larry in a few weeks and I wonder if anything bad has happened to him. I guess the real reason I wrote this letter is, in case Larry dies, I want one other person to know that he was a person that laughed at talking cucumbers even though they have nothing to do with God.
XOXO,
Avery
P.S.-There is a picture of Larry the Cucumber in the top right corner of the screen for your viewing pleasure!!!
I am writing to you because I miss Larry. He was shipped out to Afghanistan in June and I’m worried about him. I just need to know that he will be ok, and that he will come home safe. I think you of all people would understand that because your brother was shipped to Iraq two years ago. It’s hard to stop thinking about all the bad things that can happen to our friends and family in the war. There are so many dangerous situations they are put in and we have no control of anything. So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I’m scared.
Larry is my best friend. We have been inseparable since we met freshman year of high school in honors history class. We were both huge “nerds” according to the popular kids in class. I was a quiet, teacher’s pet who always sat by herself in the back of the class. On the first day of class Larry sat next to me. He was loud and obnoxious and always had an opinion about everything. He used all these fancy word that no one could understand and I liked that about him. I’m not sure why, but as soon as I we met I knew that we would be friends. I offered him a piece of gum ‘cause I couldn’t think of anything good to say. I asked him if he had ever seen Veggie Tales. It’s a religious carton with “inspirational” stories for kids. My step-dad made me watch them when I was little, because I “needed to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior”. Larry said no, and that organized religion is “bullshit”. I agreed with him, but I would never say that out loud. I told him how one of the main characters was a talking cucumber named Larry. He asked what talking vegetables have to do with God, and I had no clue, but it made both of us laugh. From then on I brought him a piece of gum and a picture of Larry the talking cucumber every day. I think he still has a stash of Larry pictures somewhere. I guess now that he is in the Marines I should draw a picture of Larry the cucumber in uniform standing in the desert with a gun and a camel spider and an American flag.
I haven’t herd from Larry in a few weeks and I wonder if anything bad has happened to him. I guess the real reason I wrote this letter is, in case Larry dies, I want one other person to know that he was a person that laughed at talking cucumbers even though they have nothing to do with God.
XOXO,
Avery
P.S.-There is a picture of Larry the Cucumber in the top right corner of the screen for your viewing pleasure!!!
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